Aziz Ansari and Defining Sexual Harassment

• Steve
• January 16, 2018
• 0 Comment
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Aziz Ansari, co-creator of the Netflix hit show “Master of None”, comedian, and actor has been accused of what many are describing as sexual assault.

In a story published at babe.com a detailed picture is painted by the author and the accuser using her memories and actual pictures taken during her encounters with Ansari.  A brief recount of what happens reveals a young woman (given the pseudonym Grace for privacy)  went on a date with a famous comedian/actor (Ansari) that did not end well.

At best you can say the date ended bad due to miscommunication and missed cues.  At worst you can say that Ansari ignored her cues, that she did not want his advances, and he sexually assaulted Grace.

Key Points to the story.

Ansari undresses himself and Grace, while she sits on his kitchen counter, they kiss, he performs oral sex on her, and she performs oral sex on him.  At this point of the story, as told, things moves quickly and there doesn’t seem to be resistance from Grace, and while the jump from small talk to oral was quick, if all parties are willing, I don’t see this as assault or overly aggressive.

Grace asks Ansari to slow things down, noting she didn’t want to feel forced after Ansari chased her around his apartment sticking his fingers in her mouth and trying to  finger her as she repeatedly moved away from him.  He pulls her hand to his dick repeatedly which she pulls away every time trying to avoid escalating the sexual situation.  She even goes to the bathroom to create separation and to splash her face with water at one point.

Ansari’s response to slowing things down after she states that she’s feeling pressured and doesn’t want to hate him, was that they should sit on his couch, (mind you at this point they are both still undressed) which at that point in time he presents his penis to her intimating oral sex, and she does, noting that she felt “pressured” to do so.  This is where Ansari, in my opinion, makes the final transition from missed cues to something else much resembling assault.  Yes she did it, but in her mind, if she felt she had to, to keep herself safe, this is no longer consensual.

Ansari takes her to another room with a mirror bending her over thrusting his dick at her butt asking where she wants it.  She states that she doesn’t want it, they get dressed, they watch Seinfeld, he kisses her, she’s uncomfortable with the kisses, and leaves.

In my opinion the encounter at his apartment can be split into two moments, the moment on the counter and everything after that.

The moment on the counter seems like there was some mutual interest, flirtation, and foreplay.  It moved quickly from small talk to intimacy, but that sudden change in gears doesn’t automatically scream sexual assault.  He undressed her, they kissed, they performed oral sex on each other, and when he went for the condom, she verbally articulated that she was not ready for the next step.

At that point Ansari should have taken the cues to actually slow down, probably get dressed, or at least actually chill, and talk and get her comfortable. Instead of doing these things he stayed aggressive, on the offensive, on the prowl.  He missed cues, verbal and physical, and placed Grace in a situation where she has to thwart his advances while trying not to offend him or anger him, to avoid putting herself in danger.  This is where the encounter turns  and Ansari’s behavior cannot be excused.

I don’t know Aziz Ansari, I’ve never met him, and I can’t tell you what is in his head or heart.  While I don’t believe he’s a violent rapist intent on having sex with this woman against her will no matter what, I do believe he made assumptions and ignored obvious signs that she was not willing, that have no put him in this position of being accused of sexual assault.

As men, and as a man, we/I have to be more aware of the various signs women provide that let us know they want to have sex or that they do not want to have sex.  We can’t get blinded by our desire to get our dicks wet and we can’t use excuses such as “I was drunk” or “she was playing hard to get” as some sort of easy escape button to avoid being accused of sexual assault.

I am a firm believer that we as the judging public should take each instance and allegation of sexual assault as a new fact pattern, and look at the individual circumstances before delivering a verdict.  I think we need to resist mob mentality, and agreeing with a certain group or faction just to avoid being labeled.  It is dangerous to immediately dismiss the victim, jump to victim blaming, or flat out call the victim a liar, but it is equally as dangerous to assume the accused is guilty without looking at the situation through multiple lenses, reviewing all the facts.

Had Aziz Ansari taken Grace’s verbal cue that they needed to slow down when he went for the condom, read the situation and processed her level or comfort or lack there of, and stopped thinking with his dick, we probably wouldn’t be here.  The story be of how understanding he was, and  how he was different than other guys may be what she reported to babe.com if anything.

Instead he kept pressing and put Grace in the position of having to protect herself, and then protect other girls from this type of aggressive behavior by outing him and going public with their encounter.

Some men will take this and the entire #metoo movement as a cue to close themselves off from women.  Avoid talking to women in the work place, avoid female work partners, maybe even date less or not at all.  Some men will lash out and call it all a farce a claim that this is the progressive liberal media attacking masculinity and label it heterophobia.  Per usual the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

As men we have to reevaluate how we pursue sex.  This isn’t about long term relationships and marriage, this about sex, the hook up, the one night stand, a fleeting moment of lust.  Men are wired to want sex and think about sex, but the reality is we have to overcome that wiring.  While your hard line feminists will tell you to assume no woman ever wants to have sex with you and to wait until a woman proves that theory wrong by pulling your pants down and pulling your dick out, there is a more sensible way to handle this.  It’s called paying attention.

The reality is that women can switch gears quickly, they can want sex then immediately not want it as fast as a Porsche 911 Turbo shifts from 4th to 5th gear.  When that happens, there’s always a sign and it may not always be verbal.  We observe verbal and nonverbal cues and body language all day long from men and women in all settings and all relationships.  You can tell when your mom is pissed at your dad without mom having to say a word.  You can tell when two male co-workers don’t like each other in a meeting even though they never talk directly to each other.   You can tell when two women don’t like each even when they’re both giving each other compliments.  You can tell when a woman does not want to have sex with you.

My advice to men everywhere:

1. Keep your dick in your pants (it’s amazing this is something i have to say, but from Matt Lauer to Aziz Ansari, clearly it’s a thing)
2. Don’t rely on alcohol to get you laid and be aware of both your consumption and hers.  It’s always better to go home with a dry, hard dick, than wake up with a rape allegation.
3. Pay attention.  Just because she doesn’t say no, doesn’t mean she’s saying yes.  Your size, stature, job, celebrity, job title all could be influencing her, pressuring her, or scaring her, and you need to be able to see that.
4. Air on the side of caution, ask definitive questions, don’t try to outsmart her into having sex with you, let her guide the situation if need be.  If she asks you slow down or stop, do it.  Also remember number 1. and don’t pull your dick out.
5. Treat her how you want the women close to you treated.  If you don’t want your sister being chased around an apartment by some naked dude trying to shove his fingers in her mouth and vagina, don’t do it to your date.  If you don’t want some dude bending your sister over in front of a mirror slapping his dick on her butt after she said lets take it slow, don’t do it to your date.  If you don’t want some dude being an insensitive prick to your sister, don’t be one to your date.

Based off of this story I don’t agree with destroying Aziz Ansari’s career and shunning him forever, but what I can tell you is that his behavior is part of the problem and he needs to know that, if what Grace says is true.  If what she says is true, besides the sincere apology, he needs to look in the mirror and decide what type of man he truly is, is it that man that champions the #metoo movement, or is he the sex crazed troll that sexually assaulted Grace?

Grace is a 23-year-old Brooklyn-based photographer, then aged 22. We are not using her real name to protect her identity because she is not a public figure. She says Ansari brushed her off at first, but after he realized they both brought the same kind of camera to the event, an old model from the 80s, he was impressed.

They flirted a little — he took two pictures of her, she snapped some of him — and then she and her date went back to the dance floor. “It was like, one of those things where you’re aware of the other person all night,” she said. “We would catch eyes every now and then.”

They ran into each other one last time, right as Grace was leaving. At Ansari’s suggestion, she put her number in his phone.

When her plane landed back in New York the next day, she already had a message from him. They exchanged flirtatious banter over text for a week or so before he asked her to go out with him on Monday, September 25.

The date didn’t go as planned. The night would end with Grace in an Uber home, in tears, messaging her friends about how Ansari behaved. Babe spoke to the first friends she told about it, and reviewed the messages on her phone.

The day after the incident, she wrote a long text to Ansari, saying: “I just want to take this moment to make you aware of [your] behavior and how uneasy it made me.” To that message, Ansari responds: “Clearly, I misread things in the moment and I’m truly sorry.”

The mobile phone number from which his texts to her were sent matches up with his details on a searchable public register.

Before meeting Ansari, Grace told friends and coworkers about the date and consulted her go-to group chat about what she should wear to fit the “cocktail chic” dress-code he gave her. She settled on “a tank-top dress and jeans.” She showed me a picture, it was a good outfit.

After arriving at his apartment in Manhattan on Monday evening, they exchanged small talk and drank wine. “It was white,” she said. “I didn’t get to choose and I prefer red, but it was white wine.” Then Ansari walked her to Grand Banks, an Oyster bar onboard a historic wooden schooner on the Hudson River just a few blocks away.

Grace says she sensed Ansari was eager for them to leave. “When the waiter came over he quickly asked for the check and he said like, ‘Let’s get off this boat.’” She recalls there was still wine in her glass and more left in the bottle he ordered. The abruptness surprised her. “Like, he got the check and then it was bada-boom, bada-bing, we’re out of there.”

They walked the two blocks back to his apartment building, an exclusive address on TriBeCa’s Franklin Street, where Taylor Swift has a place too. When they walked back in, she complimented his marble countertops. According to Grace, Ansari turned the compliment into an invitation.

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